In this post, I'll be quoting selections from Jonathan Edwards' Personal Narrative from the website http://www.jonathanedwards.com/text/Personal/PNarrative.htm . My comments are interspersed throughout in italics.
"I was then very much affected for many months, and concerned about the things of religion, and my soul's salvation; and was abundant in duties. I used to pray five times a day in secret, and to spend much time in religious talk with other boys; and used to meet with them to pray together. I experienced I know not what kind of delight in religion. My mind was much engaged in it, and had much selfｭrighteous pleasure; and it was my delight to abound in religious duties. I with some of my schoolmates joined together, and built a booth in a swamp, in a very retired spot, for a place of prayer. And besides, I had particular secret places of my own in the woods, where I used to retire by myself; and was from time to time much affected. My affections seemed to be lively and easily moved, and I seemed to be in my element when engaged in religious duties. And I am ready to think, many are deceived with such affections, and such a kind of delight as I then had in religion, and mistake it for grace."
That last sentence is really interesting. I wonder if mistaking religion for grace these days is a very common occurrence...I guess so. Perhaps that's why there's that widespread slogan about Christianity - that it is a "relationship, not a religion." But actually I think Chrisitianity is a religion, and if a born again Christian was asked if they had a religion, they'd probably most likely respond that they are Christians. Christianity could be both classified as a religion and a relationship, but it's foundation is the saving grace of Jesus Christ. The central focus is not what mankind can do for God but what God does for mankind. With this being said, there is a great amount of attention in the Bible given to works, even though that's not what saves us. But of course, God can mold us and work in us and through us. I think God's empowering, indwelling Spirit is a central part of the relational aspect of the Christian walk.
"But in process of time, my convictions and affections wore off; and I entirely lost all those affections and delights and left off secret prayer, at least as to any constant performance of it; and returned like a dog to his vomit, and went on in the ways of sin. Indeed I was at times very uneasy, especially towards the latter part of my time at college; when it pleased God, to seize me with a pleurisy; in which he brought me nigh to the grave, and shook me over the pit of hell. And yet, it was not long after my recovery, before I fell again into my old ways of sin. But God would not suffer me to go on with any quietness; I had great and violent inward struggles, till, after many conflicts with wicked inclinations, repeated resolutions, and bonds that I laid myself under by a kind of vows to God,"
Christianity is more than outward spiritual 'religious' appearances...perhaps those outward things can mask inner struggles, even if one is genuinely born again. And, if one's not born again, outward piety simply isn't enough, and can't be a lasting substitute for inner peace.
"I was almost constantly in ejaculatory prayer, wherever I was. Prayer seemed to be natural to me, as the breath by which the inward burnings of my heart had vent. The delights which I now felt in the things of religion, were of an exceeding different kind from those before mentioned, that I had when a boy; and what I then had no more notion of, than one born blind has of pleasant and beautiful colors. They were of a more inward, pure, soul animating and refreshing nature. Those former delights never reached the heart; and did not arise from any sight of the divine excellency of the things of God; or any taste of the soul satisfying and lifeｭgiving good there is in them"
It's so neat how prayer "seemed to be natural" to him. It'd be great if thoughts of prayer could arise in those idle moments.
"Holiness, as I then wrote down some of my contemplations on it, appeared to me to be of a sweet, pleasant, charming, serene, calm nature; which brought an inexpressible purity, brightness, peacefulness and ravishment to the soul. In other words, that it made the soul like a field or garden of God, with all manner of pleasant flowers; all pleasant, delightful, and undisturbed: enjoying a sweet calm. and the gently vivifying beams of the sun. The soul of a true Christian, as I then wrote my meditations, appeared like such a little white flower as we see in the spring of the years; low and humble on the ground, opening its bosom to receive the pleasant beams of the sun's glory; rejoicing as it were in a calm rapture; diffusing around a sweet flagrancy;; standing peacefully and lovingly, in the midst of other flowers round about; all in like manner opening their bosoms, to drink in the light of the sun. There was no part of creature holiness, that I had so great a sense of its loveliness, as humility, brokenness of heart and poverty of spirit; and there was nothing that I so earnestly longed for. My heart panted after this, to lie low before God, as in the dust; that I might be nothing, and that God might be all, that I might become as a little child."
Perhaps when we look at flowers, we can be reminded of God's glorious power & our utter need of reliance upon him.
"I had, then, abundance of sweet, religious conversation, in the family where I lived, with Mr. John Smith, and his pious mother. My heart was knit in affection, to those, in whom were appearances of true piety; "
Catching glimpses of the active, sincere faiths of others can be a blessing...I'd love to learn more of the experiences and knowledge (of God/the Bible/theology...) that others have obtained.
"I had then, and at other times, the greatest delight in the holy scriptures, of any book whatsoever. Oftentimes in reading it, every word seemed to touch my heart. I felt a harmony between something in my heart, and those sweet and powerful words. I seemed often to see so much light exhibited by every sentence, and such a refreshing food communicated, that I could not get along in reading; often dwelling long on one sentence, to see the wonders contained in it; and yet almost every sentence seemed to be full of wonders."
How neat that he was such in awe of Scripture!
